Today I had a revelation

I will never fit in with “normal” people.  No matter how I try to, I find their conversations annoying, trifle and boring.  I find their lives static, programmed and scripted. I find it all not a good use of time, rhetorical and unnatural.

I came to realize that I stopped being “myself” a few years after high school when I got my first major job. My employers got on me alot because my clothes and style were too flamboyant for the work place. After years of that it kind of just stuck with me to dress plain and low key and like “everyone else”. But inside I was busting with music, art and ideas that I could never express because as a young adult, it was always suppressed by something. Business casual for this and professional to that, or dressing nice going to church. Over time,  I forgot how to be myself and I became sad and depressed.

So now I’m 35 and sick of tired of being controlled by “the machine”. That invisible film that covers everything that you’re supposed to just know “you aren’t suppose to do this or that”. Its that invisible wall that suppresses expression, if you will. Like The Matrix its felt but not seen; or at least not seen by those who have become either too blindsided, complacent or just plain accepted it because its what they’re supposed to do. People who do finally see it, call it for what it is.  I see it in the stay at home moms, the people who stay at the same job for 50+ years and who have become so clockwork, you know what they’re going to wear to work each day.

Maybe they’re really happy being those things, and more power to them, but I feel like there’s so much more in life than to spend 100% of your time being only a stay at home mom, workaholic, robotic wife or whatever.  This planet is huge why stay in that same house, in the same neighborhood, etc and then just perch there until you expire.  I had a boss once where I called him out on it, and he looked surprised. Then he turns to me and says, I’m extremely intelligent and all stopped from there and I was given a raise.  Maybe he was testing me, I don’t know, but I learned that some people seem to respect you more if you respect them less.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is, from this point on, I’m going to be myself so if you can’t handle the fire, then get out the kitchen. I am NOT changing myself for everyone else anymore regardless of who you are to me; including employers. I’m not sugar-coating anything anymore because I’m tired of the machine. The machine will exist whether I change to suit everyone else or not, so may as well take a chance and just be myself.

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